Yes, this is actually a wine review, because it took me an entire bottle of the below-mentioned liquid courage to muster up the cajones to create my first Tinder account. It was my chronically-single friend from LA that first convinced me to check it out. “Dude,” he implored with that tone that only attorneys seem to have, “you have to try this. It’s Hook Up City.”
Seeming as how my divorce was still one of those objects in the side view mirror that are closer than they appear, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be counted in Hook Up City’s next census report. At the same time, I’m not going to claim to be Sensitive Man-Bun Guy either. The truth is, Tinder has the same sort of mystical enticement you feel when you’re standing in front of the buffet at the Golden Corral after a ten-day cleanse. It’s all you can freaking eat, and it’s right there in front of you. How awesome is that?
Well, not so awesome, as it turns out. After five days on the app, I blasted my profile into electron oblivion, wishing I could somehow give my frontal lobe a colonic. Here then are the Four Reasons Why Tinder Made My Skin Crawl:
1. It’s Not Hook Up City. The moment I started my adventures in swiping, it became apparent that Tinder was not the River Styx that lead to eternal one-night stands. “Not looking for a hook up,” was the opening line on every single profile I saw, except for the ones that read, “Just keep swiping if you’re only looking for sex, you freaking douchebag.” It wasn’t the road closure to Hook Up City that bothered me, it was the Brand Confusion. As a sales guy with more years of experience than I care to mention, nothing drives me crazier than when the brand doesn’t match the product. If my buddy had said to me, “Dude, you need to try online dating – here’s one of countless apps you can use,” I would have clearly known what I was getting into, said no thanks, and spent my time instead finding awesome pictures of cats to increase my Instagram following.
2. Two Words: Dick Pics. This may be hard to believe, but apparently, women don’t like to receive selfies of your Johnson before they’ve even learned your name. This too is made very clear on their profiles. Again, I’m not saying I’m Mr. Feminism here, but the prevalence of this phenomenon took me by surprise. Here is an actual first conversation through the app I had with someone I “Liked” who “Liked” me back:
Me: Hi! How’s it going?
Her: Don’t send me a dick pic, k?
Me: Uhhhh…let’s try this again. Hi! My name is John!
Her: I’m serious. Just don’t do it.
Me: Well, then don’t you worry about a thing, bae. I guess you could say I’m an old fashioned guy. I won’t give you a dick pic until the second date, and when I do, I’ll very subtly slide it across the dinner table, and it’ll be an autographed 8×10 color glossy, suitable for framing.
3. Short People Got No Reason To Live. As my Swipe and Like escapades continued, I received a handful of messages. Want to know what each and every one of them asked? “How tall are you?” I didn’t know how to respond. In reality, I’m 6-6…but was that too tall…or too short? So I started experimenting with answers to see what worked. “I’m four-foot-eleven of enlightened human being” got no response, and neither did “I’m seven feet tall, but I have Adult-Onset Achondroplasia and expect to bottom-out at 5-11.” I eventually discovered that 6-4 is the magic number, but the whole experience convinced me that there must be this massive cross-section of sex-crazed dwarves with briefcases full of dick pics roaming in herds on Tinder.
4. False Advertising Is A Crime. I am not Brad Pitt. And because I’m not Brad Pitt, I didn’t have his picture up on my profile. I don’t care if you’re 300 pounds. I don’t care if you’re eighty years old. I do care if you can’t love those things about yourself.
So here’s the thing. A million years ago when Blargh the Caveman figured out how to carve an image of a Wooly Mammoth on a stone tablet, his brother Blurgh used the technique to carve a picture of his wang, which he immediately gave to Unga the Cavegirl. In the not-too-distant-future, somebody will invent an app that brings the United Nations together to pass a resolution declaring total world peace. That inventor’s business partner will steal the algorhythm and use it to create an app that hooks you up with the hottest UN Delegates. It’s what we do. It’s in our DNA. There is no force more powerful in this world than the need to love and be loved in return. We are desperate for connection, so we look for a way to make it happen in everything we do, everything we touch and everything we create.
Swiping Right Pairs With: The 2013 Cerutti Cellars Pablo’s Pick Red Blend. Sometimes, you have to go through a lot of wines to get to the one you really love, and this was the case with the Tudal Wines/Cerutti Cellars lineup. Though I have previously espoused the virtues of the Tudal 50/50 Cabernet, I had to make my way through several of the different bottlings offered by Cerutti until I found the one that resonated. Pablo’s Pick is a proprietary red blend, made differently every year, that features some of the best lots hand-picked by the winemaker. In addition, a portion of the profits from the sale of each bottle goes towards programs to create more affordable housing for migrant farm workers in Napa. So you can swipe (and sip) in good conscience.