Hey, JT, Are you smarter than a fifth grader? The short answer is, no, though I would certainly rank myself somewhere above President Cheeto but just under Neanderthal. I can bullshit my way out of pretty much anything, though I don’t think that has as… Read More »Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?
I recognize this despondency all too well. It’s Suburban Disappointment Syndrome, the utterly ironic condition where you get everything you asked for – but didn’t know it would be like this. SDS is the fine print in the 200-page Terms of Service that comes with the American Dream.
The last note my daughter wrote asked the Tooth Fairy what she did with all the teeth she collected. I responded with a five-page short story that involved Fairy Armies, The Bone Demon and The Magical Dust of The Great Oral Cavity. She found it wildly entertaining, but I may as well have answered her note with, “Yeah, you got me, it’s dad.”
Last Sunday morning, I woke up from six hours of sleep following a four-day, end-of-summer Fun Binge with the kids. I considered myself lucky to have indulged in those precious six hours, as not unlike the mighty Tyrannosaurus Rex, sleep went extinct for me several… Read More »I Have Not Slept In 23 Years
I am not one to make blog posts about News of My Life, mostly because my life just isn’t that interesting. Like everyone else, I breathe, I eat, I work, I sleep and I scratch myself inappropriately at random times. In my opinion, this does… Read More »The Top Five Things I Did When I Disappeared
I was driving the kids to school one cold, foggy morning, when my daughter announced, “I have something I want to say.” Sometimes, this is the six-year-old version of, I’m not sure exactly how to tell you this, but… and sometimes it’s her way of trying to shut her older sister up for just one freaking moment so she can get a word in edgewise.
I’d like to take about five minutes to tell you the story of my daughter’s mysterious hamster disappearance, and why it’s hard to get a good glass of wine at a dive bar.
My two little Sunshine Princesses, ages five and seven, regaled me in the car last week with tales of the Zombie Apocalypse. Being a Certified Geek myself, I figured this new obsession with the undead was my doing; that somehow they’d heard me talking about it in the context of my first novel, or while geeking out with friends. That said, knowing that it takes very little to inspire a child’s nightmare, I try to be cognizant of the things that would freak out my kids, and the consumption of human flesh to the point of the world ending is at the top of that list.
It’s no secret that I want my daughter to become the first sommelier to get certified before the age of ten..though it might be a secret to Child Protective Services, so maybe we should keep this little tidbit under the hat. There’s no doubt she’s… Read More »Smile, Though Your Punt Is Aching