I’d like to take about five minutes to tell you the story of my daughter’s mysterious hamster disappearance, and why it’s hard to get a good glass of wine at a dive bar.
Intermission: A Brief Story About A Hamster
Tag «kids»
Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go
I recently discovered that I have been stricken with a strange affliction: I suddenly can’t dance. I’m not saying I was the Second Coming of Michael Jackson or Fred Astaire to begin with, but I had my moves, executed them well, and could mostly avoid snark and condemnation at weddings and clubs. But that has all gone away.
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Dating, Part Two: 37
Love is lightning that explodes with thunder without counting Mississippis. Love is chemistry and mayhem. Love is unlimited free pizza delivery by unicorn. But love is also 14 hour workdays without end. Love is changing the diaper at 4 AM when you did it at 2 AM and 12 AM
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Winning The Lottery
I am sitting in the cool, autumn air of the River Terrace Inn patio bar in Napa, a Tanqueray & Tonic in hand, staring at my winning lottery ticket. I am now a very, very rich man. This week’s jackpot was a cool $40 million, which means I am stinking rich but not stupid rich. …
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The Performance Issue
I remember quite vividly watching the very first Viagra commercial on TV about twenty years ago, mostly because it was such a surreal moment. There was Senator Bob Dole, the flag bearer of 80’s conservatism, espousing the virtues of The Little Blue Wonder, in a manner that obviously was intended to say, “If I’m cool …
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Smile, Though Your Punt Is Aching
It’s no secret that I want my daughter to become the first sommelier to get certified before the age of ten..though it might be a secret to Child Protective Services, so maybe we should keep this little tidbit under the hat. There’s no doubt she’s got the skills. She single-handedly developed the Unicorn Fart Scale …
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Kids, God and The Slutty Path
“Daddy,” my four-year-old asked me, “should I take The Slutty Path?” Its been three years since my Perfect Unicorn Princess asked me this little gem at random, and I still remember the feeling of two full ounces of Lodi Old Vine Zinfandel spraying out my nose when it happened (and thinking the wine tasted the …
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The Perfect Day
“Let us be lovers, we’ll marry our fortunes together I’ve got some real estate here in my bag…” Paul Simon The other day, I was invited to a very dear friend’s wedding. At 48, I don’t go to many weddings anymore. The Bulk Wedding Years between 25 and 31 have been over for a while, …
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Schrodinger’s Chardonnay, Part 1
Back in high school, I was a nerd. Now, to put this in context, when I was in high school, we had to share crosswalk space with dinosaurs and bands had names like “Kajagoogoo.” Granted, I was not your typical Coke-bottle-glasses-wearing, pocket-protector-sportin’ nerd, nor did I eat my boogers. (However, if I did choose to …
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My Conversation This Morning With My 3-Year-Old On The Way To Preschool
“Hey Daddy, what’s your favorite farm animal?” “Great question! Hmmm…I’m partial to pigs, myself.” “There are no pigs on the farm.” “Oh, OK. How about chickens?” “There are no chickens on the farm. Daddy, are there ghosts on the farm?” “Um, you mean ‘goats?’ Sure, there are goats on the farm.” “There are ghosts on …
