I was driving the kids to school one cold, foggy morning, when my daughter announced, “I have something I want to say.” Sometimes, this is the six-year-old version of, I’m not exactly sure how to break this to you, but… and sometimes it’s her way of trying to shut her older sister up for just one freaking moment so she can get a word in edgewise. Either way, I had no idea that sexy abs would be this morning’s topic.
“I don’t like the Tarzan movie,” she declared. “It’s too sexy.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, which is the grown-up version of, I was totally not listening to you until you said the word ‘sexy.’ “The movie was too scary?”
“No,” she replied. “It’s too sexy.”
Flashback to the night before. I was making dinner and enjoying a nice glass of wine when the kids asked if they could watch the Tarzan movie. I poked my head around the corner, looked at the TV, and saw a promo shot from the film of an animated, wide-eyed Tarzan smiling at his anthropomorphic gorilla pal. “Is it free?” I asked. They replied in the affirmative, and so I let them have at it. But judging by my daughter’s reaction to the film, I must have mistakenly allowed my children to watch Tarzan: Lord of Her Jungle or the latest installment of Fifty Shades of Greystone.
“Oh, well, that’s interesting,” I said, which is Parent-Speak for Give me a moment to wrap my head around this, because the coffee hasn’t kicked in yet. “So, honey, what does the word ‘sexy’ mean?”
I was pretty proud of that response. I could have gone straight Quaker Oats Guy with a bowl full of 17th-century morality, shutting down this whole ‘sexy-talk’ thing and admonishing her to never use that grown-up word again. Instead, I went for the “Describe To Daddy What The Bomb Looks Like” option, because what may sound like a nuclear warhead could in fact turn out to be a firecracker.
“Sexy is when a boy has abs,” she said.
Well. At least she was right.
I don’t Have Sexy Abs. But This Isn’t The Problem.
What freaked me out was that somehow my six-year-old Unicorn Princess of Light and Wonder had, at some point, heard the word ‘sexy’ and the word ‘abs’ and put one plus one together to equal six-pack. Was I responsible for this? As a prototype, middle-aged Cis Male Guy, it’s difficult to think that I sat there on the couch with my kids one night, watching TV, and off-handedly blurted out, “Holy wow! Look at the abs on that sexy guy!” Not to mention the fact that this would peg the needle on the Creepy Scale. This had to come from some other source.
Strangely, I remember to this day the first time I heard the word ‘sexy’ come out of my own parents’ mouth. I was about ten, and one evening, while watching Space: 1999 on TV, my dad told me we had to change the channel to The Tom Jones Show. I protested in that whiny way that ten-year-olds have down to an art form. “Your mom wants to watch it,” dad shut me down. “She thinks Tom Jones is sexy.”
“What’s sexy?” I asked.
My parents looked at each other silently, my mom’s face awash in that expression I now recognize to mean brilliant move there, Don.
“Sexy is…” my mom began. “It’s like, well, um…Tom Jones is sexy.”
Got it. And this is why I spent my teenage years decked out in Angels Flight suits and got my hair permed. No, as a matter of fact, it did not get me laid. However, the long-term effect of this lesson was that these questions, as flippant or innocent as they may be, can have formative effects, and my response to the sexy abs problem could become one of the blocks in the life-long game of Jenga that is Love & Sex.
“Well, sorry about that,” I said. “Tarzan should wear a shirt anyway. Lots of bugs in the jungle. Want to watch The Loud House instead tonight?”
“Yay!” she squealed.
Or sometimes, you just kick the can down the road a little.
Sexy Abs Pair With: The Tous Les Jours 2019 California Pinot Noir.
“Sexy” is an oft-used wine descriptor. I’m not exactly sure what it’s supposed to mean, except perhaps that the wine has a certain “wow factor.” Something that makes it more attractive than other wines. If that’s the proper definition, then the Tous Les Jours 2019 California Pinot Noir is one sexy freaking wine.
There’s both a lightness and a punch to this pinot (not saying punches are sexy…daddy don’t roll that way). I’ll even go with “seductive,” as each sip begs for another, even if you don’t want to pour another glass. But with low alcohol, that next glass is a fine decision. I’d put this pinot against any $30 pinto noir any day. So at only $15 per bottle, it’s quite the bargain. And bargains are sexy.
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