1. They’re Both Red: The 2014 Rubino Estates Primitivo is red. So is my car. One might end it at that, but the color of wine is not considered an objective quality. The Complete Wine Color Chart shows the 36 unique color states of red, white, and rosé wines, which are organized by hue and intensity. Similarly, Nissan Motors publishes a complete list of the paints used on their cars. The 2014 Primitivo is characterized as “medium purple.” The 2014 Nissan Versa Note is characterized as “Magma Red Metallic,” which only goes to show that car designers are way cooler than sommeliers. Also, the car won’t stain your shirt.
2. They’re Both High Octane: Primitivo is a generally sweeter grape, and as such, it produces a higher alcohol content during fermentation. The 2014 Rubino Estates Primitivo clocks in at 15.2% ABV, which means in reality it probably has over 16% alcohol. (By law, winemakers can fudge on the alcohol content stated on the label by as much as a full percentage point, depending on certain factors. Though it’s easy to gauge the final alcohol content in wine, no one is honest about anything, except maybe your mom, but your mom didn’t make this wine). In the same respect, my Nissan Versa packs a whopping 109 horsepower, which means that lawnmowers and Segways live in fear of its Dreadnaught power. I also think if I drained a case of this wine into my gas tank, I’d still get 40 miles to the gallon. It is tasty, tasty jet fuel.
3. Neither One Is What It Appears To Be: Though most wine geeks will argue the finer points of this, Primitivo is actually just Zinfandel. Both grapes are descendants of the rare Croatian varietal Crljenak. Zinfandel is thought to be an exact replica of this grape, while Primitivo is thought to be something similar to a clone. Similarly, my Nissan Versa is thought to be a clone of the 2018 Nissan 370z…only completely different in every way conceivable.
4. They’re Both Cheap: Brand new – and I mean brand spanking new – the list price on the 2014 Nissan Versa Note was $12,780.00, making it the least expensive production car on the planet. Rubino Estate Winery’s Primitivo is $22.00, which is a ridiculously fair price for an estate wine you can’t buy at the store. However, you can’t get financing on the wine and the winery wouldn’t offer a cork-to-punt warranty.
5. Chicks Dig It: To make a broad, sweeping, sexist generalization (which is totally a smart thing to do in our current #MeToo environment), Primitivo has been a consistent favorite among many of the women with whom I’ve done blind tastings. Similarly, my Nissan Versa Note has been a massive turn-on to most of the blind women I’ve dated. As long as you can’t actually see the thing, my hatchback is like a symbol of pure male virility; a fuel-injected, four-wheeled metaphor to raw sexual zeitgeist.
You can purchase the 2014 Rubino Estates Primitivo online from the winery.