The Walmart Wine Sommelier

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  • 4 min read

WARNING: Wine Snobbery oozes from The Walmart Wine Sommelier like goo from a 15-year-old’s pores after a two-week Proactive withdrawal. My apologies in advance. I will fully confess my Wine Snob sins in a later post, but for now, I simply lay my faults on your table for your voyeuristic entertainment.

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…to which I replied that he could always score some Everclear and grape Kool-Aid and may end up with the same results.

Just Call Your (Somewhat) Friendly Sommelier

I’m actually quite flattered when my friends turn to me for wine advice, and though I don’t want to sound like a snob when I’m dispensing said advice, I usually do. In all honesty, I think it’s a defense mechanism for my lack of knowledge of the wine world. Yes, wine has been my life’s passion, and yes I’ve been working in Napa for over a decade, but you should see some of the people I work with. Master Sommeliers, WSET Certified Educators, life-long winemakers…ask one of them for “something different than Chardonnay” and watch your mind melt out of your eye sockets.

That said, in 2014, only 5% of the U.S. wine buying population purchased a wine over $20 bucks. Most of my friends are the 95%. They do not work at a winery, they didn’t take the WSET Level 1 nor did they get their Sommelier Certification. They’re working parents, so the decision they face every day is whether to start dinner or hurdle themselves out a 30-story window.

Wine plays a critical role in the choice of the former over the latter. So who am I to refuse the call? When I hear the ding! of a text for help on my 14.5% Alcohol By Volume Suicide Prevention Hotline, I’m there to talk you off the edge. Just don’t be surprised to get a ration of Wine Snobby BS along the way. But hey, I’m working on it. If you want it to stop faster, buy a dozen cases of my wine so I can see my therapist more.

Want Some Great Advice From The Walmart Wine Sommelier? Buy This Wine Instead: 

A bottle of Big Gay Rosé from Pairs With Life Cellars

What’s the best alternative to Walmart wine? The 2018 Big Gay Rosé from Pairs With Life Cellars. Yes, it’s pink wine and no, it’s not White Zinfandel. (Look, I’m not going to hate on White Zinfandel. I respect it the same way I respect German Scheisse porn: I’m not into it myself, but someone recognized there was an audience for it, so someone invented it). Rosé is light and vibrant and subtle and not at all sweet, so it answers the eternal question “red or white?” by wisely choosing “both.”

Best of all, all net proceeds from the sale of this wine go to benefit organizations that promote anti-bullying efforts in. the LGBTQ+ community. So your $16 bucks is going towards good wine and a great cause.

Pick some up today – available exclusively online, and with free shipping!

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