Was I judging this guy – who’s obviously a member of my community – simply because of the way he looks? And isn’t that a huge problem with what’s going on in our society today in general? Am I really…that guy? Judge Thy Neighbor Guy? So, I decided to do what everyone does when they face a crisis of conscience: get on Google. And what I found was…unusual.
I recognize this despondency all too well. It’s Suburban Disappointment Syndrome, the utterly ironic condition where you get everything you asked for – but didn’t know it would be like this. SDS is the fine print in the 200-page Terms of Service that comes with the American Dream.
Wet February, the celebrated return to wine, came early this year, as 2.1 million Americans gave up on Dry January in 2021, according to data in a report from The Drinks Business.
In the early 2000’s, when my son was only five years old, we’d enjoy frequent trips to the local park, which was walking distance from my coldly expensive and loveless suburban home. At that time – less than twenty years ago – I was pretty much the Pariah of The Park: the lone father among a gaggle of surgically-crafted moms. Obviously, there could only be two reasons I was at a playground at 11:35AM on a Tuesday:
Cats are horrible. I should know. I have one. I have been both a Dog Person and a Cat Person at various stages of my life, and currently I’d have to describe myself as an Indentured Cat Person.
Random people talk to me. Specifically, people I’ve never met come up to me at random and confess weird shit about themselves. I have a theory about this now: a theory that goes against pretty much everything I’ve believed up until this point in my life.
The last note my daughter wrote asked the Tooth Fairy what she did with all the teeth she collected. I responded with a five-page short story that involved Fairy Armies, The Bone Demon and The Magical Dust of The Great Oral Cavity. She found it wildly entertaining, but I may as well have answered her note with, “Yeah, you got me, it’s dad.”
As mentioned before in these pages, I spend an abnormal amount of time in the wine aisle at my local Safeway supermarket. This is probably a good indication that I’m not only a functioning alcoholic, but a cheap functioning alcoholic. Personally, I like to spin… Read More »“What Wine Pairs With A Lousy Boyfriend?”