3 Ways Your Cat Secretly Hates You
Cats are horrible. I should know. I have one. I have been both a Dog Person and a Cat Person at various stages of my life, and currently I’d have to describe myself as an Indentured Cat Person. Like most things, I blame this on my daughters.
After two years of genocide-level deaths of hamsters, guinea pigs, fish and frogs – all in the name of developing “pet responsibility,” you understand – the girls begged for a cat. Pleaded for it. Drew pictures of Happy Families With Cats and left them on my bed. Then one day, the Petco down the street had an Adoption Day, and before you could say, “this will not end well for the cat,” we had Jazzy.
All snark and venom aside, the girls sincerely love Jazzy, in a gushy, smothering, pure-of-heart way that all creatures should be loved. In return, Jazzy loves the kids, and provides moments of Instagram-shattering cuteness. But the cat hates me, because deep down in their tiny, feline hearts, all cats hate you in three significant ways:
1. Your cat would gladly sell you to sex traffikers for a bowl of kibble. Hey, I’m totally a Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs kind of guy, so I get it that there’s nothing more important than eating. But cats are next-level shit when it comes to breakfast. Jazzy mews and screams and runs in circles under my feet as I prepare an appetizing bowl full of whatever the hell that is in that tiny can, but if you want to describe that as gratitude, just remember he’d do the same thing if Stalin came into the house and fed him.
2. Cats hate material objects. Little known fact: a cat’s number one mission in life is to destroy. Matter is the mortal enemy of all cats. If it is composed of atoms and molecules, it must be demolished. Some people call this “playing,” but these people are rookies. I used to own things that I like. Now I live in what can only be described as a glorified cat box.
Fuck this book
and fuck this dishwasher
Fuck your new book outline
And fuck you. Especially.
3. Your cat talks shit about you behind your back. The other day as I returned home, my neighbor was coming out of her apartment.
“Hey!” she said. “Is that a kitty cat I hear mewing behind your door?”
“Yes,” I replied. “I’m sorry, is he being really loud?”
“Oh no. He just sounds…kinda angry?”
Sounds about right. Jazzy sits behind the door all day, fatigued from destroying every material object that holds any value to me, pissed off that Stalin isn’t coming around to feed him, and talks shit about me to any neighbor that will listen.
Well, what's a guy to do? Sometimes I think it's an uneasy truce between Jazzy and I: the feline equivalent of an "It's Complicated" relationship status on Facebook. But sometimes...sometimes, when I lay down to sleep, Jazzy will snuggle up, give me a purr and make it seem like perhaps it was a good idea to try and domesticate predators.
Jazzy crashed the recording of Episode 13 last week to destroy some microphones and knock over our glasses of 2017 Joel Gott California Sauvignon Blanc. Though I think maybe a glass of wine of six would do wonders for that cat, other people, some of whom work in law enforcement, would probably frown on this idea.
With Sauv Blanc spilled all over the table, it’s a good thing we got our hands on some inexpensive replacements at BevMo’s 5 Cent Sale. We even put together a list of our Top 5 choices, in case you’re looking for a Buyer’s Guide. You can hear our choices on Episode 14 or check out pictures of bottles on the Pairs With Life Instagram.
Finally, we’re psyched for our Live Launch Party & Confession Session, coming up Friday, May17th at JaM Cellars in Napa. Click here for more details, and get your tickets during the Early Bird rates before May 5th!