The Top Five Things I Did When I Disappeared

I am not one to make blog posts about News of My Life, mostly because my life just isn’t that interesting. Like everyone else, I breathe, I eat, I work, I sleep and I scratch myself inappropriately at random times. In my opinion, this does not qualify as what the Interwebs calls “content.” That said, I have not created a blog post since February, thus you may be asking, as you might ask Jesus if you ran into him in the wine aisle at Safeway, “Hey, where have you been?”

Well, I disappeared.

Though I promised to be a more diligent blogger with my previous February post, it simply wasn’t in the cards. Regardless of the amount of duct tape I threw at the problem, it turned out there are only 24 hours in a day, and that wasn’t about to change. Therefore, I present The Top Five Things I Did When I Disappeared. I decided to do this as a Listicle because search engine algorithms apparently still love listicles. (Not to be confused with Fisticles, the 5-part porn series that promised to “open more than your mind”). I present these in no particular order, so if “I Took Care of My Kids” shows up third on the list, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m a lame parent.

I disappeared but My Kids didn’t

Ok, I just guilted myself into doing this one first. Single-parenting is like having a 20-hour, part-time job where your boss comes up and says, “Would you mind working another hundred hours?” This year, we put the kids on the swim team, which unbeknownst to me is like enrolling your kids in the Jonestown Cult, but without the highly-unfortunate Kool-Aid. But like cultists, I disappeared. None the less, the kids had fun (which is parent-speak for “the kids inherited my complete lack of athletic ability”).

I Spent My Nights Writing About Umbilical Cord Storage

I needed to make ends meet, as my ends typically have one-night stands and never see each other again. So, after the kids went to bed, I got paid to write various 800-word blogs for a cord-blood storage company. I wrote or edited about twenty of these, most of which were variations on the theme of, “Only Parents Who Hate Their Children Don’t Store Their Baby’s Stem Cells.” This is exactly the lifestyle I had in mind when I chose to be a freelance writer. Exactly.

I Developed Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Boy, did that suck. I will devote a few solid posts to this particular development, but about four months ago, I thought my heart was going to explode in my chest and did some general freaking out (hence the “General” in “Generalized Anxiety Disorder”). I attribute this affliction to burning the candle at both ends, then taking a blow torch to the middle of it, and then dropping the whole thing in a bonfire. In medical parlance, this is known as “unhealthy,” and apparently not a good thing. I did not expect this when I disappeared.

I Finished My Second Novel, Pairs With: Life

Though I was able to complete a first draft in just over seven months, it took me an additional three to edit. The draft I have now I’m ready to throw out into the world. I will lay all modesty aside and say that I’m really pleased with this project. I’m going to spend the next month researching literary agents, then start the querying process in September. I should be getting my daily dose of rejection just in time for the joyous yuletide season. I’ll also post the final draft of the first chapter on this blog in the coming weeks.

I Collaborated With Elon Musk On A Method To Detect Wine Oxidation As It Occurs In The Bottle

No, I didn’t. But I ran out of things to say. And it sounded almost believable.

With the novel out of the way now, I promise I’ll be devoting more time to these blog pages. As my ex-wives used to say, this time I’m not lying. On an actually-sincere note, I want to thank everyone who has been so supportive of my work, and patient with me while I’ve been holed-up in the cave. What little of my sanity that remains is because of you. Someday, we’ll all get together for a glass of wine. As long as you bring the wine…